Fuck Fantasy

I'm not rich by any means, but I am not poor either. One of the things I do on top of writing and selling my toes out on Saturday nights, is some bit acting.

Last Friday afternoon I went to an audition down on 39th Street. I get downtown to the practice space where I was told by my agent that the audition was for some sort of fantasy film like The Lord of the Rings trilogy or Rush Hour. Now normally I wouldn't go to auditions like this one. The roles I usually go after are ones like 'the big party animal' or 'the drunk friend' or 'Perve Inmate #23545765' (catch me on Law and Order SVU next month.) However, the character I was auditioning to play this time was some sort of dwarf or battle elf or something. I honestly can't tell you what the character was really supposed to be as I hate fantasy and never read books where I need a glossary to explain an entire character's genealogy to me before I can complete the third chapter. The last few months had been very tight and February is one of the eleven months out of the year I eat and drink to great excess--stupid July--and I needed a big payday badly.

Anyway, I get there and they tell me that if I were to get the role, my character would be 100% CGI. I was going to have to wear one of those suits and just act out the movement of my character like some sort of fucking skin puppet. The casting agent told me that I had the right build to play the role, but she wanted to see how mobile I would be with the suit on.

Next thing I know I'm standing in a hot room in Midtown Manhattan, sweating like a pig in front of the casting couch with balls all over my face. I had balls on my chin, balls on my neck, balls on my chest...even balls on my ass.

So I start doing the scene: I'm pretending to wave this big sword and yelling at a fake dragon. Honestly, sometimes I can hear life laughing at me. Regardless, I finish wagging my sword around in front of these people and I seemed to keep all my balls in tact while jumping up and down and doing forward rolls and stuff.

The casting couch representatives seemed pleased and slightly aroused so I felt I had done my job. I took off the skin-tight suit and left politely. I told myself that I didn't want any of the guys to know I was in a fantasy film if I got the role. They all understand that being a writer is a tough business and to keep afloat we all do what we can to make rent each month. However some things are just too humiliating. I would be the inspiration behind countless sketches and humorous essays if the guys found out. As I sat quietly at a Jamba Juice pondering my next potential career move I made the decision that if I got the role in this film, I would just tell all my friends that I was doing porn again.

Later that afternoon I got a call from my agent. I wound up not getting the role. Apparently the casting director didn't like that I said my lines with a Russian accent. Apparently the elf that I was auditioning for was to speak with a Turkish accent. She said that everybody knows in fantasy films that dragons are the only characters with Russian accents and that I should've been more prepared and done my fantasy homework.

Balls.

- AJ