SPOILER ALERT!

So I went to the movies this past weekend and caught that new flick 10,000 B.C. I know I titled this little essay, "SPOILER ALER!" Well here's the spoiler: this movie is fucking awesome! I gotta say, I was really blown away by this film. I didn't even regret the fifteen dollars I spent on the ticket at all! The special effects were flawless. The mammoths looked exactly like they do on my Gameboy Advance. The score was impeccable. I mean, it was really emotional when that girl died or something. The editing was fast-paced and really moved the story along. I hardly noticed that the film barely hit feature length qualifications. But most of all, the acting was beyond any sort of motion picture performance I have ever seen.


I never have to go to the movies again. Thanks 10,000 B.C.!

- AJ

Things to Pack for the Weekend

1) Duct Tape (six-roll pack available at Duane Reade 2-for-1 special!)
2) Glue (make sure it's stuff that only tears apart)
3) Car Battery (two if possible)
4) Dog Bowl (metallic only)
5) Hungry Man dinner w/ chicken (seven boxes)
6) Long chain (three)
7) Leather mask (preferably w/ zipper mouth)

Okay, looking at this list I'm sure you're assuming I'm going to some sort of bondage camp for the weekend or something. Well I can assure you that that's not the case. How could you think I would do perverted shit like that? I'm not into weird sex!


8) Don't forget "I'm Into Weird Sex '08" t-shirt!!!


















Okay fine.

- AJ

History's Biggest Oscar Snub

As Oscar night rapidly approaches (TOMORROW! NIGHT! HOLY! SHIT!) I would like to take a moment to address the snubs; those performances that were overlooked or ignored when nomination time came around. For example, many people thought Anthony Perkins should have been nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Norman Bates in Psycho. Still others felt that Cary Grant should've been nominated for Philadelphia Story. The list of overlooked performances goes on and on, however I firmly believe that I have pinpointed the biggest Oscar snub in the history of this stupid, self-serving, self-sucking award ceremony.

That's right:

Terry Kiser in Weekend at Bernie's.

Now you're probably asking yourself one question: "Andrew," you're asking, "don't you mean Weekend at Bernie's was snubbed all together? What about a Best Picture nomination?" The answer I give you is: No. No one should ever acknowledge Jonathan Silverman's work as 'best' anything. Don't try to tell me what I mean. I know what I mean.

Terry Kiser is a gem in this little film. He's not just the hilarious, rotting corpse the film is known for. He's also devilish when he's playing Bernie while he's still alive. The way he dastardly tricks Silverman and Andrew McCarthy into coming out to his beach house to kill them is just spine-tingling! This level of villainy is up there with legends like Robert De Niro in This Boy's Life or Robert De Niro in Cape Fear or even Robert De Niro in Backdraft!

Terry Kiser was not nominated for an Oscar for his daring, heartwarming, scary, intelligent, comedic, erotic role. For that I can only say "shame" on the Academy for this grandiose oversight. The only solace I can find in all of this is that Kiser was eventually able to bounce back (and the Academy was able to come to their senses!) and garner a nomination when, in 1993, he reprised his role as Bernie Lomax in the rom-com Weekend at Bernie's II; proof that people can make mistakes and in turn make up for them.

Oscar snubs happen every year guaranteed. Many feel that Keira Knightley was snubbed this year for her performance in Atonement. Hopefully next year the Academy will fix this large error and nominate her for the sure-to-be-grand performance in Atonement II: I Still Don't Give a Fuck.

- AJ

Burn that Filth!

I was on an empty N train yesterday going downtown to find a flashy pair of shoes. I was hoping to find one with flames, or maybe a skull and crossbones type thing. Those designs were sure to make me look pretty alternative. The store I was going to was way downtown so I had time to kill on the subway. So there I was reading and minding my own business when I notice this girl giving me a look. As I said before, the train was empty so I could tell that this hate-filled glare was meant for me. My initial thought was that my fly was down. I had rushed out of the house to make the train. So I checked my interlocked crotch protector and found it zipped up tight--or at least tight enough.

So I decided that the only way to break this stare was to flat out ask her why she was looking at me. So I say, "Excuse me, is there something I can help you with?" She responded with,

"I'm sorry, I'm just too offended to speak to you right now."

"Well," I said, "if you don't tell me what I'm doing wrong then I'm afraid I'm just going to keep doing it."

"I'm just offended by you're book," she said. I looked down at my book.

"You're offended by Eastern European cinema?" I asked sarcastically.

"No, I don't even know what that means. But I am offended by the cover. Why is that girl naked? I find that very piggish."

"Piggish?" I replied. "I think you're just taking the picture out of context. It's just a random screen capture from a film. It's not meant to be dirty or anything. Please notice there is also a man playing a violin next to her."

"Exactly, the man is alive and playing his phallic violin and the woman is dead, naked, and probably raped."

"Phallic violin?" I asked. Then I said, "What can I do to make you not offended?"

"Well, for starters you can put some sort of cover over your book."

"I could do that. I'll stop reading right now and not pick this book up again until I've covered up this photographic injustice." She looked at me approvingly and said, "Thank you. That's a step in the right direction." I then asked,

"Just out of curiosity, what are you reading there?" She looked at me and smiled.

"It's just something my girlfriend read in like a day." Then she holds up this book. In bold, neon-green letters, the cover read:

SLUT: OR HOW A COLLEGE FRESHGURL HOOKED HER WAY THROUGH MED SCHOOL

- AJ

Fuck Fantasy

I'm not rich by any means, but I am not poor either. One of the things I do on top of writing and selling my toes out on Saturday nights, is some bit acting.

Last Friday afternoon I went to an audition down on 39th Street. I get downtown to the practice space where I was told by my agent that the audition was for some sort of fantasy film like The Lord of the Rings trilogy or Rush Hour. Now normally I wouldn't go to auditions like this one. The roles I usually go after are ones like 'the big party animal' or 'the drunk friend' or 'Perve Inmate #23545765' (catch me on Law and Order SVU next month.) However, the character I was auditioning to play this time was some sort of dwarf or battle elf or something. I honestly can't tell you what the character was really supposed to be as I hate fantasy and never read books where I need a glossary to explain an entire character's genealogy to me before I can complete the third chapter. The last few months had been very tight and February is one of the eleven months out of the year I eat and drink to great excess--stupid July--and I needed a big payday badly.

Anyway, I get there and they tell me that if I were to get the role, my character would be 100% CGI. I was going to have to wear one of those suits and just act out the movement of my character like some sort of fucking skin puppet. The casting agent told me that I had the right build to play the role, but she wanted to see how mobile I would be with the suit on.

Next thing I know I'm standing in a hot room in Midtown Manhattan, sweating like a pig in front of the casting couch with balls all over my face. I had balls on my chin, balls on my neck, balls on my chest...even balls on my ass.

So I start doing the scene: I'm pretending to wave this big sword and yelling at a fake dragon. Honestly, sometimes I can hear life laughing at me. Regardless, I finish wagging my sword around in front of these people and I seemed to keep all my balls in tact while jumping up and down and doing forward rolls and stuff.

The casting couch representatives seemed pleased and slightly aroused so I felt I had done my job. I took off the skin-tight suit and left politely. I told myself that I didn't want any of the guys to know I was in a fantasy film if I got the role. They all understand that being a writer is a tough business and to keep afloat we all do what we can to make rent each month. However some things are just too humiliating. I would be the inspiration behind countless sketches and humorous essays if the guys found out. As I sat quietly at a Jamba Juice pondering my next potential career move I made the decision that if I got the role in this film, I would just tell all my friends that I was doing porn again.

Later that afternoon I got a call from my agent. I wound up not getting the role. Apparently the casting director didn't like that I said my lines with a Russian accent. Apparently the elf that I was auditioning for was to speak with a Turkish accent. She said that everybody knows in fantasy films that dragons are the only characters with Russian accents and that I should've been more prepared and done my fantasy homework.

Balls.

- AJ

What Does That Say?

So I was walking down Houston street when a very nice NYU undergraduate came up to me holding up a big sign that said, "Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"

Impervious to most sign waving, I didn't think much of this and I continued on my original quest -- the search for that knish place around the East side of Houston.

After a few feet (and one Diet Peach Snapple purchase later) I came across another young fellow, this time with a giant sign that read, "Down with Palestine!"

I looked at these two people who couldn't have been more than ten feet away from each other.

"Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
"Down with Palestine!"
"Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
"Down with Palestine!"
"Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
"Down with Palestine!"

Both of these people were so impassioned by what they had written on their respective signs that it made me realize there is so much more to life than Diet Peach Snapple and knishes. So I quickly ran into a store and grabbed some supplies. I raced back out, scribbled the first thing that came into my mind and held the sign up high in the air for all to see.

I looked to my left: "Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
I looked to my right: "Down with Palestine!"
I looked up at mine...

"Go Down on Sign Writing!"

-AJ

Welcome Potential Predators

I would like to welcome everyone to the official Gashouse Gorillas comedy blog! The ‘big wigs’ tell me that it’s the first of its kind. So that’s something I guess. I never thought that comedy could exist on the internet because frankly, there really isn’t anything funny about the internet to begin with. I mean, in an age where predators disguise themselves as young teens and arrange meetings with other younger people at the kids’ houses while their parents are nowhere to be found, come on. There’s nothing funny about that.

Actually...

Have you ever seen that To Catch a Predator shit on television? It’s hysterical! I’m pretty confident that some of that has to be staged. Like they had that one guy whose voice was as high as fucking Minnie Mouse after sucking on a Helium hose for an hour? Remember him? He gets caught and they take him into custody and then he tries to kill himself with a pen in the interrogation room? It is by far the lamest, laziest, half-assed suicide attempt ever. Don’t arrest that guy! Give him a satellite radio show! Sirius would eat that shit up in five minutes. Well, it would more likely be on XM, but he could still swear and talk about how he loves kids and talking on MySpace!

What I also love about that show is that dick-bag of a host they have there. What’s his name? Oh yeah, Chris Hansen. This guy is great. I mean, he’s really the cat’s nuts. I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s an actual cop. I see the way he walks out from behind that curtain like he’s Captain King Shit XVI. You have to hand it to him though, the guy is so fucking confident! He just struts out there and looks those deadbeats square in the eye, sending chills and electricity down their dirty little spines and then, with all the gentleness of a nuturing best friend from some mid-80’s rom-com, he says, “How’s it going?” Like he’s the friendliest mother fucker in the world! Like he’s old college roommates with this kid toucher he’s standing next to! I really have to hand it to the guy, he’s the best fake cop since Morgan Freeman playing detective both on and off screen.

Apparently there are spin-offs to this show I just learned. THANKS WIKIPEDIA!!!!!! If Wikipedia was a real person, I would high-five it and then clink champagne flutes with it and then we’d take sips at the same time while crossing our arms around each other. Anyway, spin-offs to To Catch a Predator. According to my news leader, Wikipedia here, there is also: To Catch a Con-Man, To Catch an ID Thief, To Catch a Car Thief and To Catch an i-Jacker. That last show is about catching people jerking off on crowded subway cars in the middle of the afternoon. Kidding! It’s actually about catching people who steal other people’s iPods. Really? That shit’s a show? Why don’t you just call it Kids Who Were Bigger Than Me in High School Who Wanted the Shit I Worked Hard to Buy for Myself? I’m sure there will be more spin-offs to come too. How about To Catch a Lame-ass News Reporter Who Couldn’t Get a Front-End Desk Job So Now He Plays Pervert Buster on a Show That Airs After Mad Money But Before Princess Diana: A Life in Pictures? I would DVR a show with that title every night of the week.

-AJ

But honestly, the internet is a dangerous-ass place. Which is why I’m glad I don’t live there. New York City is much safer than the internet, but with just as much pornography. In any case, thanks for checking out the first comedy blog ever, ever, ever on the internet and I hope you check back often to laugh at the shit we write. After all, and don’t tell your doctor I told you, but laughing cures obesity. It can also help you quit smoking so you don’t have to buy that expensive gum. Shhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!